Even When I'm Sleeping
by MacKenzie Rabb
Summary: Companion piece to "Only When I Sleep". Harm starts thinking about all the mistakes he's made concerning a certain Marine.


Title: Even When I'm Sleeping  
  
Author: MacKenzie Rabb  
  
E-mail: mackenzie_rabb@yahoo.com  
  
Rating: PG  
  
Spoilers: "Skeleton Crew/Death Watch"; "To Russia With Love/Gypsy Eyes";   
"Goodbyes"; "Boomerang II"  
  
Classification: Harm Vignette; Angst; Romance (Harm/Mac)  
  
Disclaimer: I do not own anything pertaining to JAG, though I'm still   
petitioning for ownership of one Harmon Rabb, Jr. I should be so lucky!   
Anyway, he and his lovely partner, Mac, both belong to Donald Bellisario,   
CBS, and Paramount Pictures. No infringement is intended. I also don't own   
the song "Even When I'm Sleeping" by Leonardo's Bride.  
  
Summary: Companion piece to "Only When I Sleep". Harm starts thinking   
about all the mistakes he's made concerning a certain Marine.  
  
Author's Notes: Every argument needs a counter argument, right? This is Harm's.  
  
I want to say thank you, thank you, thank you to Lizzy for the encouragement   
to write this! And for supplying the song. I'm glad that I've found a new friend   
in you! :)  
  
To the rest of my fellow JAGniks, Sammi (my little sis), Teresa, Liz, Robyn,   
Steffi, and all the great gals at the JAG shipper list, thank you for the wonderful   
feedback and encouragement that you give me every time I have a new story.   
I do it for the love of writing, and for you guys! You're all wonderful! On to the story...  
*************************************************************************  
  
***************************************  
I love you  
Even when I'm sleeping  
When I close my eyes you're everywhere  
No matter where the road is leading us, remember don't be afraid  
We have a continent that sometimes comes between us, that's ok  
I love you  
Even when I'm sleeping  
When I close my eyes you're everywhere.  
- "Even When I'm Sleeping" by Leonardo's Bride  
*****************************************  
  
She haunts my dreams. When I'm sleeping she's here with me, and then I wake   
up to realize she's not really here. I sit up in bed and curse the night, the darkness   
for doing such things to my head.  
  
But that's not it. It's all my fault. Everything that's happened in the past two years   
is my fault, and I'm paying dearly for it.  
  
During the day, the painful pleasure of being with her is almost too much to bear.   
I have to live with the fact that things are not what they used to be, and that it's   
because of me that things changed.  
  
I used to think of her as mine. My Marine, my Mac, my Sarah. Now I can't   
claim her, because I've caused her too much pain. I ruined everything when I   
left her for a damn airplane. I knew I didn't have a future in the air, and still I   
blew what future I could've had with her. If I had to give someone a reason   
right now why I did it, I couldn't. That's why every time I want to apologize   
to her, I can't. If it doesn't make sense to me, how could I make it make sense   
to her? She stood right there in front of me, crying over me, and I froze. I always   
freeze.  
  
In the middle of the night, my subconcious alternates between dreams and   
nightmares. The nightmares are repeats of everything I've ever screwed up   
with Mac. The dreams are of everything I could ever hope to have with her.   
She agrees to marry me, she's by my side through everything, and we have   
beautiful children together.  
  
I need to stop having dreams.  
  
I want to tell her how I feel, but I'm afraid. She gave me the perfect chance in   
Australia, and again I froze. I didn't care about opera houses or bridges in lights,   
but there she was right in my face, and I did everything I could to change the subject.   
  
I'm afraid to love her, but I guess it's already too late for that. I'm afraid to tell   
her now. What if she doesn't feel the same way anymore? The last time I really   
loved someone, she died. I know Mac probably thinks that Diane's the reason   
for my hesitation, but it's not because she looks like her. It's because I don't   
want to lose her too.  
  
She means more to me than life, but I've had some way of showing her that.   
When she tries to talk to me seriously, I joke or change the subject. She made   
it quite clear to me what she wanted, and I told her I couldn't be with her then.   
But what about now?  
  
If I had a dime for every time I messed up, I'd be one very rich, very unhappy   
man. There were things in the beginning, namely my obsessions, that complicated   
our relationship. But she cared, and she walked me through them all. Not caring   
what might happen to herself or her career, she followed me to Russia to look   
for my father. Not even the best friends I had previously would go that far for   
a cause that wasn't their own.  
  
So why can't two people that would give everything for each other, give   
themsleves to each other? The concept sounds easy, but it's really not.   
Another time, another place, another circumstance, and maybe things   
would be different. But we've both been trained that duty and honor   
comes before everything else, including our own happiness. Or at least   
that's what my mind tells my heart when it wants it to shut up.  
  
Sometimes I just want my mind to shut up. My heart knows that I am   
desperately in love with the most beautiful, intelligent, strong, fascinating   
woman in the world. She's unlike any woman I've ever known, and I know   
that I could never love anyone else. I want to look into those sparkling, big   
brown eyes and tell her, without hesitation, everything that's been building   
up for the past four years.  
  
The tension is stifling, although I know I put on a good show of not caring   
what she does outside my presence. But I do. I care about every breath   
she takes, and everything she does. I want to hold her in my arms while   
she sleeps, to know that as long as she's with me she's safe.  
  
Until that's a reality, these long nights away from her will be torturous and   
dreaded. She will be mine again . . . someday. I have to find a way to make   
it up to her first, to persuade her to forgive me, to leave her without a doubt   
that I love her, and I want to do everything in my power to make her happy.  
  
Till that day comes, she's with me in my heart, and every night when I close my eyes.  
  
The End   
  
  
  



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